Anger

Anger is one of the most commonly expressed long-term emotional consequences resulting from abuse. A young child when abused experiences anger, but because of immaturity, is unable to handle this anger. Anger becomes cumulative, powerful, overwhelming, and deep-rooted within the individual who has experienced the injustice of abuse.

All survivors of abuse have a problem with anger. Therefore, it becomes important for them to understand:

1. What is anger?

2. Why they have anger?

3. Who is anger directed towards?

4. Where anger leads?

5. When does anger become sin?

6. How to deal with anger?

I. What is anger?

*Ask your group to define anger.

The following are some suggested definitions of anger.

ANGER: a strong feeling of displeasure

ANGER: an emotion which occurs because of something or some event which takes place.

ANGER: an inward emotion evoked by:

– an outward action

– a circumstance

– a situation

– The action, circumstance or situation maybe something we do, OR fail to do, or something done apart from, OR done to us.

ANGER is a normal, human, emotional response to the injustice of sexual abuse.

II. WHY they have anger?

*Ask your group to explain why abused people have so much anger?

Some suggested reasons are:

– Someone has NOT dealt fairly with us

– Seeing others within the family being treated unfairly

– Feeling under pressure, inconvenienced, controlled, embarrassed, threatened, or coerced.

– Threatened by fear of having our sins exposed by others.

– Betrayal of love and trust, which results in feelings of rejection

– Being used for another’s sinful purposes

– Inability to fulfill expectations of others

– Inability to achieve personal objectives and goals

– Loss of childhood, innocence and virginity

The sin of abuse causes PAIN. PAIN causes ANGER. ANGER can then lead to ABUSE. This demonstrates the cycle of abuse, or the abuse syndrome.

*See diagram: Cycle of Abuse

III. WHO is anger directed towards?

*Ask group who they direct their anger towards.

Anger is usually directed towards:

A. The one who has caused the pain

Angry people feel outraged at what has happened and seek to punish the perpetrator of the injustice. We often seek revenge, rather than reconciliation. We may feel anger when confronted with the necessity of forgiving the perpetrator.

B. God for allowing this to happen

We may be angry at God for placing us in that home, or place of abuse. We may be angry at God for not stopping the abuse, or for not preventing it from happening in the first place. Anger can be directed toward God because He doesn’t judge others when we want Him to, or in the way we want Him to judge them. Anger can come when we don’t think God is just. Anger towards God is never justified because God never sins.

C. Oneself

Anger is directed towards self because of assumed or false guilt. When we do NOT handle anger correctly we often suppress it. We drive it deep into our subconscious and here it haunts us. The most common consequence of suppressed anger is depression. This happens when we turn anger in on ourselves. We may also be angry at ourselves for trusting the perpetrator, and for keeping silent.

D. Transferred to those around us

When we are angry we often transfer that anger to others who are totally unrelated to the true cause, e.g. Husband, children, parents (especially to mother).

IV. WHERE anger leads?

*Ask your group where their anger leads.

Anger begins as a normal emotional response. When not dealt with, there is a downward progression into sin.

*Have your group read Col. 3:8 and Eph. 4:31

But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.

Eph. 4:31

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice

Anger is caused by pain. Failure to forgive the one who caused the pain, leads to a root of bitterness. If you don’t resolve bitterness it leads to wrath. In the Greek, wrath (thumos) means “hot coals”. It takes a long time to heat coals, and it takes a long time for them to cool. However, the coals do not get hot if you are not bitter.

What comes after hot coals? ANGER. The Greek word for anger (orge) means “striking a match” or “flare-up”. But you don’t get flare-ups if you do not already have hot coals.

What’s next? Clamor. That is shouting. Then comes slander, which means “I want to hurt you with my mouth”. The last emotion, malice, means “I just want hurt you.”

Summary of downward progression:

A. Pain (caused by the sin of abuse)

B. Bitterness (root is unforgiveness)

C. Wrath (thumos)-hot coals waiting to be ignited

D. Anger (orge)-strike a match igniting coals

E. Clamor (shouting)-external indicator that coals have been ignited

F. Slander (abusive language)- “I want to hurt you with my mouth”.

G. Malice (deliberate abuse)- “I just want to hurt you”.

Anger can become very destructive and dangerous if not dealt with Biblically. Anger if not dealt with causes the soul to explode.

Anger may be the underlying cause of physical illness or disorders such as:

-Migraines -rashes -allergies

-ulcers -asthma -heart attacks

Anger can be often a trigger that causes the victim to resort to using coping mechanisms such as: dissociation, M.P.D, eating disorders.

Anger turned in on self causes despair and thoughts of suicide.

Anger acted out causes thoughts of murder.

V. WHEN does anger become sin?

*Ask your group if anger is always a sin? If not, when does anger become sin?

Anger is NOT always a sin! There is a righteous anger. God demonstrates anger. His anger is totally justified and is provoked ONLY by SIN.

RIGHTEOURS ANGER: God’s righteousness demands indignation, anger and wrath at that which goes against His character, at that which violates His commandments and precepts of life.

James 1:20

“for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.”

Righteous anger:

– is a response to sin

– is controlled

– has a purpose of ultimate good and justice

– is expressed in love and mercy

Justifiable or not anger is NEVER to control us! We are to be controlled by the Spirit of God. The moment we are manifesting anything but His heart, we are in trouble. We have sinned!

ANGER becomes sin when:

– it is a response to the sinner

– it is NOT controlled or is controls us

– it is NOT for ultimate good

– it is NOT expressed in love and mercy

*Have your group read:

Ps. 4:4

“Tremble, and do not sin; meditate in your heart upon your bed, and be still.”

Eph. 4:26-27

“Be angry, and DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity.”

From these verses we see:

– it is possible to experience the emotion of anger and yet NOT sin.

– We are NOT to let the sun go down on our anger.

We have a responsibility to handle anger. Handling anger means that we are to face what makes us angry and deal with it very quickly; that is before the sun goes down. IF we do not handle it, we give he devil an opportunity, a place of occupation, or a foothold. Unresolved anger, as a result of unforgiveness gives Satan legal right to establish a root of bitterness. If anger has reached the point of controlling us, we may well be affected by a spirit of anger.

Anger becomes SIN, if that anger is against anything but:

– sin

– injustice

– unbelief

We only have the right to be angry at sin, NOT the SINNER!

Characteristics of unresolved anger:

– seek revenge

– builds up and looks for a place to be vented

– produces uncontrollable fits of rage and hatred

– utilizes much energy to deal with it

– stirs up strife (Prov. 15:18)

A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel.

– bears grudges (Ps. 55:3) and (Gen. 27:41)

because of what my enemy is saying, because of the threats of the wicked; for they bring down suffering on me and assail me in their anger.

– Gen. 27:41

Esau held a grudge against Jacob because of the blessing his father had given him. He said to himself, “The days of mourning for my father are near; then I will kill my brother Jacob.”

– accuses

– results in sinful action. (Prov. 29:22)

An angry person stirs up conflict,

and a hot-tempered person commits many sins.

– cuts us off from friends and family (Gen. 27:45)

When your brother is no longer angry with you and forgets what you did to him, I’ll send word for you to come back from there. Why should I lose both of you in one day?”

– leads to murder (Gen. 4:5-8)

but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast.

6Then the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? 7If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.”

8Now Cain said to his brother Abel, “Let’s go out to the field.”d While they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him.

(Matt. 5:22)

But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sisterb c will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.

VI. How do we deal with anger?

We MUST deal with anger God’s way, or it can be very destructive and dangerous. If we are to be healed, we MUST deal with anger and bitterness before they destroy US, and those with whom we come in contact.

A. Acknowledge the fact that we have anger. Face it rather than stuff it! There are people who are angry but do not know it. Others may have to help them see they are angry.

B. Identify the true cause of the anger. Ask yourself, “Why am I angry?”

C. Once we realize we are angry, we MUST deal with it immediately. We need to realize that we have a choice to deal with it God’s way, which means working through forgiveness. Or, we can choose to deal with it our way, letting it master us, which results in sin.

*Read Gen. 4:5-8

but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast. 6Then the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? 7If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.” 8Now Cain said to his brother Abel, “Let’s go out to the field.”d While they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him.

D. We MUST choose to forgive the one who has caused the pain. We turn from the anger, not allowing it to control us. Then we allow the Holy Spirit to rule in our hearts. FORGIVENESS is the KEY! Choosing to forgive stops the whole downward progression.

Eph. 4:31-32

“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”

Col. 3:8-10

“But now you also, put them all aside; anger, wrath, malice, slander and abusive speech from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices, and have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowledge according to the image of the One who created him.”

E. We MUST trust in the Lord now to bring our feelings in line with what is true in the spiritual realm.

F. NEVER take your own revenge. (Rom. 12:19)

G. We must understand the sovereignty of God. God was and is supremely and totally in control.

H. We MUST replace anger with meekness. Meekness sees everything as from God’s hand (sovereignty) or allowed by God and accepts that he works things out in his timing putting aside murmuring or disputing at his feet.

I. We MUST allow the fruit of the Spirit to replace the works of the flesh.

*Read: Gal. 5:19-23

The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

J. Commit the situation to God. Put anger to death by talking to God about it and meditating about it, on our bed.

*Read: Psalm 37

Forgiveness is KEY to resolving the anger and moving to healing, to wholeness and to freedom.