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I grew up in Sudan, in a family of seven, with two brothers and two sisters. I went to church every week as a little girl. I did confession, took communion and tried to fast for lent. I tried to be a good girl so that I can be on God's good side.
I remember feeling empty after doing all these traditions. I felt that something was missing. I remember as a young girl I did not know what was the point of all those religious traditions.
My oldest brother became a Christian and I noticed a big difference in him. As all little sisters do, I pestered him to find out why he was different. So one day he invited me to go to church with him. He had a little poster on his suitcase with Romans 10:9. While I was waiting for him to get ready, I read the verse-
'If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.'
I prayed to God and said 'that I don't understand this verse but that I wanted to be saved so I don't go to hell. I knew I was empty and God was so far away.
My brother took me to church. There I learned more about why I needed Christ and the Lord Captivated my heart.
After that there was a change in my heart that felt so good. I began to feel joy and freedom from man made rules that were only shackling and did not save me from the power of sin.
The church in Sudan was thriving and growing in the late 80's and early 90's. The political atmosphere began to change in the early 90's in Sudan. The government of Sudan began to implement the Sharia law. My parents felt it was time to leave the country because of the instability of that change. We sought asylum in Canada. This began a time of testing for my faith as a new believer. The nurturing environment I had in Sudan began to change.
As a foreigner I began to experience rejection because of my accent. I did not have many friends at school which led to loneliness. We also had to adjust to a humble lifestyle compared to back home because of the low exchange rate of the Sudanese pound to the Canadian dollar. I began to think that God made a mistake by bringing us to Canada and I was really homesick.
As the saying goes 'when it rains it pours' I was hit with one thing after another and I felt my faith could not last. I didn't know how to face rejection, loneliness and abuse. My relationship with God became distant and I began to doubt my salvation.
One day someone suggested to contact the youth pastor at the church I was visiting. So I called the youth pastor and told him my story. He heard me and visited my parents. He asked if I could move out with a godly family to work through the conflict I was experiencing in a safe environment. I moved in with an awesome family from church and I began to feel the deep darkness I was in begin to subside.
The Lord began to heal me through different means and continues to do so even today. One of my favourite stories in the Bible is of Jesus healing the bleeding woman. One day I heard a pastor describe the shame associated with bleeding in the Jewish culture. When the Lord healed her it wasn't only physically but He took away the shame she had endured. The Lord used this message to bring healing into my life that I so desperately needed.
I realized that the Holy Spirit was impressing that story because Christ took away my shame. I no longer needed to be afraid of rejection and prove my honour for people's approval.
But like Dory in finding Nemo- I find myself constantly having to remind myself of that reality. Christ takes away my guilt and shame daily and I don't need to work to earn His forgiveness and love. He offers it freely, unconditionally and continuously.
Finally, my life has not been a walk in the park, but I love the verse in psalm 77:19 that says- "Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters, though your footprints were not seen."
I see that He has led me and continues to lead me through the mighty waters of life though His footprints are not seen.
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