Guilt and Shame

Guilt and shame are common emotional consequences of the trauma of sexual abuse. These are often thought to be the same, but there are definite differences in what they are, and how they affect the victim. There are also differences in how we deal with guilt and shame.

I. What is Guilt?

*Ask your group to define guilt.

The following are some suggested definitions of guilt.

A) The state of having committed an offense or crime again a moral penal law. Jn. 16:5-11

but now I am going to him who sent me. None of you asks me, ‘Where are you going?’ 6Rather, you are filled with grief because I have said these things. 7But very truly I tell you, it is for your good that I am going away. Unless I go away, the Advocate will not come to you; but if I go, I will send him to you. 8When he comes, he will prove the world to be in the wrong about sin and righteousness and judgment: 9about sin, because people do not believe in me; 10about righteousness, because I am going to the Father, where you can see me no longer; 11and about judgment, because the prince of this world now stands condemned.

B) A feeling of remorse or responsibility for some offense

Eph. 4:30

And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.

Guilt: an emotional response to a wrong doing.

God has given us an inner sense of right and wrong. When we do something wrong we have a sense of guilt. We feel guilty because of sin we have committed ourselves.

II. What is Shame?

*Ask your group to define shame.

The following are some suggested definitions of shame.

Shame: An emotional response to a wrong doing. Most frequently someone else’s wrong doing to us.

Shame:

– A belief system that says something is wrong with me.

– The painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, or improper, done by oneself or another.

Shame: is not feeling bad about your behavior, but a belief that you are deficient, defective or worthless as a person.

III. Where does guilt come from?

*Encourage group to discuss sources of guilt.

Guilt is universal! It is a result of the fall of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. Guilt results from wrong doing or sin.

Rom. 3:23 “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”

Rom. 5:12 “Therefore, just as through one man (Adam) sin entered into the world, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men, because ALL SINNED.

Jas. 2:10 “For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles in one point, he has become guilty of all.”

IV. Where does shame come from?

*Allow the group to share sources of shame.

Shame results from how we perceive ourselves following wrong doing, either our own or other’s against us.

*Look up the following Scriptures that describe shame.

Shame comes as a result of:

1. Incest/Rape II Sam. 13:13

2. Defeat II Chron. 32:21

3. A wicked Wife Prov. 12:4

4. Ignoring discipline Prov. 13:18

5. Mistreatment of Parents Prov. 19:26

6. Disobedient Child Prov. 29:15

7. Nakedness Is. 47:3

8. Lust Phil. 3:19

Gen. 3:6-13, the story of the fall of man illustrates both GUILT and SHAME.

Gen 3:7 “Then the eyes of both of them were opened, (GUILT) and they knew that they were naked (SHAME); and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loin coverings.”

Gen. 3:10 He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid (GUILT) because I was naked ; so I hid.(SHAME)”

V. Why does the VICTIM of abuse experience such guilt?

*Ask the survivors in your group to explain their guilt.

A. The child feels guilt because she was created with a God-given sense of right and wrong.

Even a very young child has a sense that sexual abuse is wrong.

B. The child assumes shared guilt.

A sexual experience is a shared experience whether shared willingly or not. Therefore, the victim feels shared guilt. The guilt that the victim feels is laid on her by another person’s wrong doing. This guilt is really FALSE GUILT, but it is as real as true guilt. The child thinks of herself as a co-conspirator or an accomplice in the act.

C. When a child is sexually abused the sexual stimulation may be pleasurable.

God created us to respond physically. The child feels guilty not only in being involved in the activity, but also from receiving some pleasure from it.

D. The child may feel guilty in taking the place of a legitimate sexual partner.

A daughter feels guilty in taking her mother’s husband away from her.

E. Guilt is often reinforced by professionals who may ask questions which suggest that the child invited the sexual attraction of the adult.

VI. Why does the victim of abuse experience shame?

*Ask your group to describe their feelings of shame.

A. The child feels shame because of an imagined defect in herself.

The child often concludes that there is something wrong with her, that she is evil, or has done something evil to attract sexual attention.

B. The victim feels dirty, contaminated, used and abused.

Abuse leaves the child with the belief that she is defective and worthless. The child may not be aware that she believes this, but her behavior would indicate such belief.

C. Shame is rooted in the experience of being physically and emotionally over-powered and coerced into activities which are repulsive to the child.

VII What are the results of living with Guilt?

*Ask your group to share problems they have experienced because of guilt.

A. Affects our relationship with God.

Sin causes us to feel guilt, and this creates a barrier between us and God. Sin MUST be forgiven in order to have a relationship with God. Then sin must be dealt with on a daily basis to have fellowship with Him. *See 1 Jn. 1:9

“if we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”

B. affects our relationship with other people.

When we experience guilt we do not want to interact with other people. We tend to isolate ourselves, and live in our own little world. Christians affected by guilt find it difficult to fellowship with other believers.

C. Guilt can trigger other emotional responses that might not otherwise occur.

Anger and fear are other emotional responses that might result from guilt.

D. May result in physical, emotional, or mental illness.

Ps. 32:3-4 “When I kept silent about my sin, my body wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my vitality was drained away as with the fever heat of summer.”

Depression is a very common symptom of one bearing a great deal of guilt.

*Suggestion: have the group read Ps. 32

E. Living with guilt can cause us to get into behaviors that cause even more guilt.

The sin of sexual abuse often leads to promiscuity, prostitution, stealing, homosexuality, and other abusive behaviors eg. Drugs, alcohol, sex, eating, gambling, self mutilation and satanism.

VIII. What are the results of living with SHAME?

*Ask the group to share how SHAME has affected their life.

A. poor Self-image and Lack of Self-Worth

The image the victim has of herself maybe ‘bad’, or ‘dirty’. She concludes that she is worthless. This is why she becomes involved in destructive behavior patterns mentioned above.

B. Withdrawal from relationships

Shame causes the victim to withdraw from relationships. She often isolates herself so that she does not have to face other people, and feel the shame.

C. Perfectionism and Performance-oriented

When we experience shame we attempt to earn acceptance on the basis of perfect performance. Shame can lead to having very high standards for self and expecting the same from others.

D. Putting others down to build self up

Putting others down is very often a means of making oneself look better.

E. Critical and Negative Attitude

People living with a great deal of shame tend to take a defensive stand. They often find fault and blame others, thus refusing to accept responsibility for their own behavior and healing. There is a strong tendency to confront the abuser for the purpose of transferring shame back to the abuser rather on self. This is confrontation for the wrong reason.

F. Rationalization of feelings rather than dealing with them at a heart level

They think if they can understand WHY they feel the way they do, then the feelings will go away. They live in a state of denial and never deal with the real feelings.

IX How do we deal with GUILT?

*Ask your group to share how they deal with guilt.

A. acknowledge and confess our own sin

Ps. 32:5 “ Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord.” And you forgave

the guilt of my sin.

In order to be free of the guilt of our own wrong doing we need to acknowledge our sin and confess it before God. Sometimes it is very helpful to confess our sin before another. Forgiveness is the only known cure for guilt.

Jas. 5:16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

Sin needs to be confessed to the extent of its scope:

– if against God, confess to God

– if against another, confess it to God and to the person involved.

– if against the Body (Church), confess it to God and to the Body (Church).

B. Turn away from sin

There is a need to turn away from sins that have been a consequence of the abuse, e.g. Drug, alcohol, food, sex, abuse. If we continue in these sins, we will still carry guilt, because mentally we connect the guilt of these sins with the guilt of abuse.

C. Deal with FALSE guilt

With sexual abuse the victim experiences a great deal of FALSE guilt. That is, she assumes the guilt of her abuser. Even though this is false guilt it needs to be dealt with before God, because it is as real to her as real guilt. Therefore, there is a need to ask God for forgiveness for her perceived part in the abuse.

NOTE: the victim is NOT the guilty party but nevertheless she feels guilt.

D. Extend forgiveness to the abuser

The victim experiences God’s forgiveness, and then by His grace extends forgiveness to her abuser. This process is very helpful in liberating her from guilt.

E. Walk in forgiveness

Believe, accept and stand on the promises of God that say He forgives and cleanses from ALL unrighteousness.

1Jn 1:9 “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”

X How do deal with shame?

*Ask the group to share how they deal with shame.

It is of utmost importance that victims of abuse begin to understand WHO they are because of their relationship with Jesus Christ.

Ps. 103:12

as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

2 Cor. 1:21

Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

Eph. 2:4-6

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5 made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. 6 And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus.

Col. 1:13-14

For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, 14in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

Isa. 61:10

I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,

as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

2 Cor. 5:17

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:a The old has gone, the new is here!

Eph. 2:10

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Col. 1:22

But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation—

Heb. 2:11

Both the one who makes people holy and those who are made holy are of the same family. So Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers and sisters.

Rom. 8:1

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,

Eph. 1:4

For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will—

Eph. 4:24

and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

Col. 2:7

rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.

1 Jn. 5:18

We know that anyone born of God does not continue to sin; the One who was born of God keeps them safe, and the evil one cannot harm them.

B. Believe the TRUTH of God and reject the LIES Of Satan.

We need to know the truth of God’s Word so that we can discern deception and false accusation. We MUST reject Satan’s lies!